Death as a New Beginning
by Rhoewyn
Summary: A look into Remus' grief at the passing of Sirius. Hopefully forthcoming chapters including letters to Sirius from Remus in a journal Sirius left for him before he died. Obviously SBRL slash, but nothing at all explicit. This is about healing.
1. Death as a New Beginning

Disclaimer: The characters here belong completely to J.K. Rowling. I merely wished to express my deep respect for them, and for the author who has touched the imaginations and hearts of readers like no other… except perhaps Professor Tolkien. –grins-

* * *

Shutting the door quietly behind him, Remus dragged himself into the closeness of their… No, his bedroom at 12 Grimmauld Place, the darkness broken only by the misty glimmer of a single candle on the bedside table. He didn't remember lighting it, or even putting it there for that matter. Then he noticed the neatly turned down sheets tantalizing him with their promise of sleep. _Must have been Molly_, he thought as a small, tired smile touched his lips. That woman would never stop being a mother, no matter how old you were or what family you belonged to. He sank onto the bed, saying a silent, thankful prayer that there were people in the world like her.

His hands gripped the sides of the mattress tightly as he flexed his stiff shoulders and twisted his head to each side, willing his vertebrae to realign. Finally feeling an audible pop at the base of his skull, he sighed in relief as he rubbed his neck, feeling the headache that had been plaguing him all day recede a bit. His muscles ached with weariness but somehow he could not bring himself to lie down, not in the bed that had so recently shared his warmth. But no longer. There was only a sterile crispness now; a stifling chill that threatened to envelop him.

He settled his unfocused gaze on the wooden floor in front of him as he vaguely listened to the nightly noises outside his window. The wind was restless tonight. _As well it should be_, he morosely thought. He couldn't fathom anyone, not even the natural world finding peace tonight. He didn't realize how long he had been sitting there until he noticed the light in the room dimming quickly, the candle having nearly burned itself out. He just stared at it, unable to bring himself to care enough to either drip the wax and save the flame or snuff it entirely, a feeling he darkly realized reached beyond his thoughts on the candle.

Giving in to the daze that only the deepest grief brings, he let his body heavily slump sideways, his hair roughly spilling against the pillow as lifeless as the rest of him felt. But even as his head struck the fluffy down, something slightly stiff beneath his cheek made the dark haze of his mind jerk from its reverie. Slipping his hand beneath the pillow his fingers grazed something textured. A book? Gripping the object a little tighter he drew it out into the failing light. He ran his fingers over the bumpy leather covering, squinting a bit to see better as he reached absently to save the dying light, jumping a little as a few stray drops of the hot wax fell on his wrist. But that one flinch was all he noticed before his complete attention was upon the book in his hands. It was wrapped in leather binding the color of burnt crimson, upon which beautifully intricate Celtic knot work had been tooled, almost over every inch of the cover. Actually, in the new light he could see that they were not just normal knots, but animals. Dragons probably, as he thought he remembered that traditionally dragon and bird forms were mostly often used in such art. But something nagged him about the shape of the animals' heads. A sad smile played across his lips as he realized something that he should have expected in the first place. The heads, which he first took to be draconic, were instead unmistakably canine. He again ran his hand along the book, but more thoughtfully and lovingly, his smile becoming a look of curiosity as his hand bumped into a metal knob, almost like a large button around which a simple leather tie was wound, holding the book shut. So it was a journal? Why had he never seen it before? He faltered for a moment, wondering whether he should open it in case it didn't belong to Sirius, as he had assumed. How did it get here? _Then again, even if this was Sirius' where did it come from?_ His brow furrowed a bit. _Perhaps he put it here tonight before we left…_His stomach gave a painful jolt as the memories of the nightmarish evening flooded his mind for the thousandth time. He knew he would never forget. His eyes stung as only they can burn when a person has truly wept with their soul. He couldn't stand it, he had to know. There was a desperate need welling up inside of him to hold onto anything that might still connect him to Sirius. He tremblingly unwound the tie, the new leather creaking softly as the pressure eased, and opened the cover. An inscription written in familiar handwriting flashed in his eyes in a molten glow of gold ink.

_ Moony,_

_ Beyond all time, distance, or sorrow_

_ I will forever be yours, this life and in the next._

_ You inspire me to breathe._

_ Padfoot_

Bitter relief came to his stinging eyes in the form of fresh tears, his vision swimming as his shoulders shook in silent sobs. He had never experienced such grief before, not even when his parents had passed all those years ago. But this was different. This was his best friend, his mate, the only person he had ever truly loved. He lashed out suddenly in a moment of bitter frustration, violently knocking the candle from its place on the table. Darkness plunged in to overtake the feeble light as the flame extinguished, the candlestick grating along the floor until it rolled to a stop near the door. Clutching the book to his chest he curled up on the bed and rocked helplessly as he quietly wept. Flashes of thought and memory burst through his mind; his place in the Order, the battle with the Death Eaters, the looming war, James and Lily, and Harry… Harry had looked to Sirius as the father he never had, the family that he had missed out on for his entire life. What now? He could never take Sirius' place. And what about himself? What about the plans they had made? They had come so close to finally being able to realize the happiness that had been taken from them for fifteen years. As much as he knew the people around him loved him and wished to help he knew they could never understand the depths of his loss. Not even Harry. The tears flowed unceasingly until his body was completely overwrought with exhaustion and pain, his mind echoing with one last coherent thought before losing consciousness. _How can I possibly do this without you?_

* * *

He had no idea what time it was when he awoke. He blinked hard several times before he was able to open his eyes to the blinding daylight. His vision had always been a bit over-sensitive. _Comes with the territory_, he thought as he chuckled darkly. Groaning slightly as he pushed himself up he sadly realized that his body wasn't in much better shape than it had been the night before. His muscles still cried out against him. It was even hard to swallow, not that that was really surprising. As his head drooped groggily, his eyes caught sight of the journal that lay momentarily forgotten and discarded on the bed. It was even lovelier in the daylight. The sun's rays burnished the color, as if it smoldered from within. He tenderly picked it up again, unsure at first what to do with it. He was just about to reseal it when he saw something he hadn't noticed the night before. There was a single entry after the inscription page. The date at the top of the page confirmed his suspicion that the book was relatively new as it was dated two days previous. He felt his throat constrict as he began to read.

_ July 17th_

_ Light of my heart,_

_ You found it! Hopefully I'm in the room with you as I would be sorely disappointed to have missed the expression on your face when you made your discovery. I hope you like it. I'm sure you're wondering how I got it since I've been trapped in this damned house for so long, and since I have never been the one able to refuse you anything, I will tell you now. (Especially if I am **not** in the room with you. Bollocks!) Actually, I had this idea for getting a journal for us that we could share but since I obviously had nothing around to suit I set Hermione on the prowl for something appropriate. At any rate, it took awhile but she came upon this book in a Muggle bookshop while visiting her parents over Christmas. I suppose any journal would have been fine, but I really wanted it to be meaningful for us both. You can't have missed the entwined dogs on the cover? I had to laugh when she first showed it to me. She's a sly bird. Amused her to no end by the grin on her face. She reminded me so much of Lily just then._

_ I don't know why I didn't give it to you at Christmas. I tucked it away so carefully and I was so caught up in everyone being here that I guess I just forgot. But it's better that you get it now, or at least it feels that way. Even with the scare about Arthur in December there was no questioning the love and the bond everyone felt in the house. But these days I think we could all use a reminder. And as you are first in my heart, I thought I would begin with you. _

_ I want you to always remember that I am proud to stand by your side as your friend, your lover, and your mate. Every day I struggle to find the words to describe what you mean to me. You are love. You are ecstasy. You are every beautiful, meaningful, brilliant, fascinatingly breathtaking thing that touches me. You are my wolf's song, my dearest love. And I will honor and celebrate you and our love every day for the rest of my life and beyond. I love you, gentle one._

_ Sirius_

_P.S. I've bewitched this book so that if we're ever separated all you have to do is tap the cover with your wand and say my name. It will come to me. I'll write back as soon as I can, and hopefully you'll be back in my arms before I have a chance to miss you, though that's terribly unlikely. As well, don't worry about anything you write here being seen by prying eyes. I've also made sure that people will only be able to read the pages if we want them to. With that said, I expect at least 200 words in each of your entries detailing how sexy you think I am. -winks-_

Remus let the book fall into his lap, as though his arms had lost the strength to hold it up anymore, but smiled at the lighthearted postscript. _You never could be serious for too long_. Probably thought it would lessen his charm somehow. Remus shook his head slightly and set the book down next to him, still feeling empty but perhaps a little less lost than he had. Perhaps a very little. No one expected any of this to be easy.

He remained where he was sitting on the bed, letting his body shake the tiredness off in the sun when he heard the door creak behind him. He knew who it would be.

"You can stop worrying Molly, I'm still alive," he said quietly as he gave her a half smile over his shoulder.

"We'll decide that after a bath and some food, Remus. We both know you need it so I don't want a fuss."

He grinned a bit lazily. "My dear woman, are you insinuating that I smell?"

She gazed at him reproachfully, but he could see the tenderness and worry in her eyes.

"Alright Molly, I know. Too soon for jokes. I'm just trying to keep from being completely overwhelmed." He dropped his head into his hands as he sat leaning over the edge of the bed. He didn't look up when he spoke, so softly that she almost missed it. "I don't know how to deal with this."

She felt rooted to the doorway, unable to speak as she watched the man before her. The scene was almost so sad it was frightening. He looked utterly defeated. There was no other way to describe it. His shoulders sagged so much that it seemed as though there were tangible weights on his back. His fingers clenched and unclenched his hair as though they had no memory of what else they were for. What skin she could see on him looked almost sickly translucent in the glare of the morning sun. So different than yesterday… She suddenly felt intensely guilty for intruding. What right did she have to witness or disturb such profound grief when all of her family had managed to come out safely? _And here he's lost the one person in his life to bring him joy._ She breathed deeply as she felt her eyes getting misty again, willing herself to be strong for this man who obviously needed every bit of help he could get. She suddenly felt the responsibility for taking care of him even more strongly then when she had first decided to check on him.

"I'm not sure I know how to deal with everything either Remus," she said gently as she walked into the room, picking up the fallen candlestick at her feet and placing it on the table before sitting down on the bed next to him. "But I do know that as lost as you may feel right now, all of us will do everything we can to walk this path with you." She reached up to tenderly untangle his hands from his hair, taking them in her own as he finally met her eyes. "You probably think that no one can understand what you're going through, and perhaps we can't. But that doesn't mean we won't try to if you let us. You're not alone in this, and you never will be. Even in your bleakest moments, please try to remember that."

Though his mind wanted to lash out at her for being so presumptuous about his pain, as he searched her eyes for a moment he saw only the deepest sincerity. He knew that even though right now the stubborn, angry part of him didn't want to believe her, what she spoke was true and in his heart he was desperately thankful for it. Unable to find the words, he simply smiled at her gratefully, hoping she would understand. By the smile she returned, she did.

Hugging him tightly she stood and pulled him to his feet, keeping a firm but gentle grip on his hand as she led him into the bathroom like a stray pup. "Come, love", she said fondly, back in mother-mode. "Let's get you cleaned up. We need to work on getting things as close as we can to normal before we meet the kids in a few days." She sat back and looked up at him a little sadly as the steaming water poured into the tub. "Harry is going to need all of us to be strong."

He saw in her look that she particularly meant him of the entire group and he nodded softly. "I know." In those two simple words, they heard the understanding between them. Molly's expression softened and she smiled encouragingly at him as she cut the taps and laid out some fresh towels for him.

"Will you be alright undressing on your own?"

He cocked his head with a slightly embarrassed grin. "Please, Molly, as helpless as I may seem, and perhaps may be right now, I'm not a child. Leave me some scrap of my dignity."

She knew him too well to take his chastising seriously. She patted his cheek affectionately and turned to walk out the door. "I'll be downstairs putting some lunch together." She looked back at him with the best motherly scowl she could manage.

"Don't make me come back up here and get you again."

Remus chuckled as he slowly shut the door to the bathroom, Molly continuing to glare until the last moment.

"Alright Mum, I'll be down in a bit."

On the other side of the door, Molly sighed with relief to hear the smile in his voice. She still couldn't understand how everything could come to this. Arching her back a bit to stretch she went to make up his bed again. _One less thing for him to think about_, she thought sadly. He had enough to deal with. It was then she saw the journal lying open. She picked it up gently, admiring the craftsmanship of the design and wound the cover shut, idly wondering where he had gotten it. Placing it carefully on the bedside table she turned down the bed before moving to the door to head downstairs. She stopped at the doorway and glanced around the room, taking in the few mementoes of Sirius' that still remained where he'd placed them around the room.

"Watch over him and Harry, Sirius," she whispered softly as she leaned against the doorframe. "They're going to need you more than ever now."

Taking another deep breath to steady herself for all the things that needed to be done, she closed the door and headed downstairs. Remus would need a good meal when he was finished.

She suddenly greatly wished Arthur were there. She really needed a hug.

* * *

It had been awhile since she left. Or at least he thought it had. Time still seemed to stand still for him. He could hear his heart echo dully in his ears as he lay completely submerged in the oversized tub. It didn't take him long to realize how much he didn't like the stifled silence of the water. Tipping his head back to get the hair out of his face he sat up out of the water and placed his hands on his knees. He had to admit the hot water did help though. Lost in thought he let his body go on autopilot as he scrubbed away the grime of the day before. If only other things washed away so easily.

Pulling the plug to let the water drain, he stood up slowly and turned on the shower, thankful that his body definitely felt a little less stiff. He simply stood in the stream of water, emptying his mind as best he could. Breathing slowly and steadily he closed his eyes and began to listen only to the sound of the water. As the world melted around him he could see the form of his body as if he was looking down from above, lying surrounded in a deep red haze. _I need to relax. I need to be able to get through the day. _The warm water gurgled and flowed around him, softly caressing and comforting him. He'd always felt a deep affinity to water. He could hear his heart again.

_ Sirius…_

There was a flash of light, and the red color surrounding him deepened. _No…please. I can't let this consume me, there are too many others I need to look after. _He felt his chest tighten slightly as his breathing became more agitated. _Put it away…I have to put some of this away._ Making a conscious effort, he focused his attention back on the sound of the water, and after a few moments he felt his soul still. _I need you with me love, but you must give me strength. Please Sirius, my heart… please help me through this._

In his reverie he couldn't tell if it was just a wave of warmer water flowing over him or if it was a surge of something less ordinary, but somehow he suddenly felt calmer and he watched as with every breath he took the red that surrounded him softly faded until nothing remained but a silver outline around his body. Blinking the water away, he carefully opened his eyes and rubbed the hair back from his face as he turned off the water. He leaned one arm against the wall, letting the remaining water roll off of him and down the drain. _You will always be with me._ All of a sudden he wasn't sure who that thought was meant to comfort.

Fighting off the urge to shiver as the air around him cooled, he grabbed one of the towels Molly had left him and dried himself off. Though a part of him still wished to be solitary and wallow in his pain, he suddenly felt the need for company. Molly's presence had definitely been comforting, and she was right, he would need people to help him get through this. No point in denying it. Picking up his wand he idly dried his hair, trying to decide what to wear. He casually threw on a pair of light slacks before walking over to Sirius' bureau and pulling out a dark purple silk shirt he always used to love to wear. Remus grinned to himself as he remembered Sirius' fondness for "touchable" clothes. He felt a little guilty for feeling the need to wear something of his, but he knew that he needed to be as close as possible to him right now. No denying that either, not that he particularly wanted to. Those that he loved and who loved him would understand. The silk slipped wonderfully over his skin as he pulled the shirt on. He even thought for a moment that he caught the scent of Sirius' cologne as the fabric brushed over him. He inhaled deeply, wanting to imprint that smell in his memory. But he didn't have to. It was already there. The sweet scent of musk, and herbs, and soap… and some other elements he never could describe but knew were uniquely his.

The sound of plates clambering together woke him from his thoughts. _Better go down before she gives me that look again. _Walking over to the bed table he brushed the journal fondly, making a mental note to come back after lunch and pick it up. He hadn't written in a journal for a long time but perhaps now was the time to begin again.

_ To begin again…_Yes… what else was there to do but begin again?

He kissed his fingertips lightly and pressed them to the book cover, pausing only a moment before heading to the door.

"One day at a time," he said quietly as he felt each foot fall in front of him down the stairs.


	2. Lunch and a Letter

Disclaimer: The characters here belong completely to J.K. Rowling. I merely wished to express my deep respect for them, and for the author who has touched the imaginations and hearts of readers like no other… except perhaps Professor Tolkien. –grins-

* * *

The kitchen was bustling with activity though neither of the women in the room appeared to be doing anything. Two giant stew pots overtook most of the stovetop, one steaming away as it boiled while the other seemed content to be stirred slowly by an enchanted wooden spoon. The long counter along the west wall was lined with cutlery and other various utensils preparing vegetables while a bowl of salad was lazily being tossed by a set of silver tongs. Molly and Tonks sat across from each other at the table, leaning back unperturbed every so often to miss the plates and other pieces of table dressings that hovered by as the table set it itself while they talked quietly. A small smile tugged at the edges of the Tonks' lips every so often as the conversation was occasionally broken by Molly muttering mildly exasperated instructions to a misdirected piece of flatware.

"You always outdo yourself Molly", Tonks said with a smile. "We're never going to eat this much food, particularly with two of us on the mend." Her brow furrowed a bit as she tucked a few stray dark strands of hair behind her ear. In memory of her fallen cousin she had taken on his shoulder length, raven hair and mist colored eyes as part of her own mourning process. "And Remus may not have much of an appetite…"

"I don't care if he does, he's got to eat something", she said in her normal brook-no-argument tone. She gave a hard-nosed look to the woman in front of her to emphasize the point. "As do you, my dear, and you know I won't stand for any excuses. ("On the _left, _napkins go on the _left.")_ She rolled her eyes as the green cloths flipped to the other side of the large soup bowls while the utensils righted themselves before focusing her attention back on a sniggering Tonks. "You know the only reason they let you out of St. Mungo's early is because I promised to look after you. And besides, you never know when someone may show up unexpectedly for a meal, particularly in this household." (Wine glasses? _Honestly_, it's not like we're having a party here, off you go…) She shooed off the offending glasses with her left hand looking a bit vexed while she waved down several simple pewter mugs from the oak cupboard behind her with her wand in her right.

Tonks managed to stifle chuckling, but she couldn't hide a small grin. "I know, and don't worry Molly, I promise I'll be a dutiful patient for awhile. Believe me, I'm still sore enough that I won't be doing much. Besides," she teased lightly, "I need to be well enough that my caretaker will let me go to King's Cross with everyone else in a few days." She picked up her wand and waved it at the salad bowl across the room as Molly shook her head chuckling lightly and stood to retrieve some fresh rolls from the oven. It was her turn to hide a smirk as she watched the determined look on Tonks' face. The younger woman looked exceedingly comical as she stubbornly held the tip of her tongue between her lips, obviously concentrating very hard on the task at hand. She was about to intervene when she saw the tongs still their tossing as the bowl ever so carefully levitated over to the middle of the table. She resisted the urge to clap, afraid her friend might think her patronizing, but her smile mirrored the expression on Tonks' face as she proudly looked up once the bowl was resting safely on the table.

"You're getting a lot better at that, my dear", Molly said fondly as she lifted the rolls out of the oven and began piling them in a basket.

"It's much easier if I only have to concentrate on one thing at a time", Tonks replied, still looking quite pleased with herself. She watched the stew pot gracefully empty itself into a large tureen on the counter next to it as Molly placed the rolls on the table, the combined aroma of potato leek soup and fresh bread wafting intoxicatingly throughout the kitchen. Despite her earlier protests of being less than hungry, her mouth made a liar of her as it started watering. "Do we have to wait for him to come down before we start?" she asked as she began to wave her wand in the direction of the tureen, attempting for another taste of domestic magic success. As the heavy crock began to tremble however, she was interrupted by Molly dashing over and catching the handles before she could lift it any further.

"Allow me, dear," she said as she smiled a little apologetically and carried the soup to the table. "And yes, we should wait, though I doubt it will be long now."

As usual, her intuition rang true as Remus walked through the door only moments later, thankfully looking like the bath did him some good. He smiled at Molly, but stopped short when he glanced down at Tonks, his breath catching in his chest. She saw something flash behind his eyes but he recovered too quickly for her to decide what it was. A moment later he placed a hand softly on her shoulder as he smiled gently down at her.

"You look like you could be his sister today, Tonks." She rose and turned to wrap him in a tight hug in one swift but soft movement. Molly busied herself checking the place settings for the fifth time while they silently clung to each other and shared in their pain. Tonks was the first to pull slowly away.

"Does it bother you?" she asked, making a vague reference to her appearance. "'Cause I'll change it…"

She quieted as he shook his head silently with a sad smile and ran his fingers tenderly through her hair. "No," he said softly, momentarily overwhelmed as he gazed into the eyes that were so hauntingly familiar. "I understand why you chose this, and I wouldn't dream of asking you to change the way you deal with your own feelings for the sake of mine." He leaned down and kissed her forehead lightly. "Besides," he said with a genuine smile, "that look really does become you." He squeezed her shoulders gently before turning to take his place at the table.

She smiled back at him as she took her seat again. "Bah, you're just saying that." He winked at her a little playfully before looking over at Molly who had finally decided she could sit down after making sure everything was taken care of.

"Tuck in," she said in response to his hopeful look as she began to serve them both.

They ate in silence for a while, just enjoying the food and taking comfort in each other's presence. It occurred to Remus that Molly really was doing her best to make things "normal" again, or at least as normal as they could be. It even didn't occur to him for several minutes that there was anything odd about Tonks being there.

"Not that I'm not happy to see you or anything Tonks, but how did you get here?" he ask as he broke open a roll and dipped it idly in his soup. "I didn't expect you to be home for a few days after that tumble you took."

"Welmf, ahkmum ennah…" Tonks' cheeks flushed pink.

"Honestly Tonks, you're as bad as the boys." Molly grinned as she watched the girl struggling to chew an oversized mouthful of salad that she had just unceremoniously stuffed in her mouth. "I escorted her back from St. Mungo's this morning before you woke up. They didn't want to let her go but I convinced them she'd be safer home with us." Remus had to chuckle imagining the talking-to that she must have given the nurses. "I had to promise that I'd take good care of her and not let her go gallivanting around like she usually does until she's healed up."

"Yeah," Tonks replied swallowing dramatically, "It'll be a few days. I broke my left arm in two places when I fell, plus they found about 30 compound fractures all over the place. I don't recommend falling down stone steps by the by." She shared a small smile with Remus. "They made me take a spoonful of that Skele-Gro stuff, and let me tell you, I have a newfound respect for Harry for enduring growing back all those bones two years ago." She shivered a bit at the memory. "It was bad enough just dealing with them knitting back together."

Remus nodded a bit and stirred his soup thoughtfully. "I find myself rather often these days with a newfound respect for Harry." The women both nodded their agreement silently as they picked at their food. Clearing his throat slightly to break the tension he had just caused, Remus glanced up at Molly briefly before continuing to eat. "So the children have all gone back to school then?"

"Yes, Dumbledore owled me this morning to let me know Ginny and Ron are getting better in the hospital wing, as is Hermione. Neville is fine as well I believe." She sighed a bit and stood to clear her place. "They were incredibly lucky they got out with what they did," she said briefly before deciding not to go any further with that topic. "I imagine Harry is with them now, those kids never can be separated long." She piled her plates in the sink and put the kettle on for tea before returning to the table. "Dumbledore also said that he told Harry everything after they got back to Hogwarts last night" she said a little pertly, and though her tone was lost on a satiated Tonks who sat laid back in her seat sunning in the light from the window like a content cat, Remus couldn't help but notice the hint of displeasure in her voice. He always was one to pick up on such subtleties.

"You don't think he should have told Harry about the prophecy?"

Molly tutted disapprovingly, her voice getting more agitated as she spoke. "Remus, above all else that that boy has gone through how can he possibly bear the knowledge of such responsibility on top of everything? Ever since he came into our world he's been half-wishing for a normal life, not a Muggle one mind you but at least one where he can live without someone either glorifying him or attacking him for his past, and every year it's gotten steadily worse. To be honest I haven't the slightest idea how he's managed to survive and still retain his heart and his sanity." She shook her head, taking a moment to calm her voice down after taking in the surprised look on Tonks' face. "The poor boy just lost his godfather, and right now undoubtedly wishes he could just be worrying about girls or his next exam rather than having to come to grips with the idea that the hope of the entire wizarding world lies solely on his barely sixteen year old shoulders." As if reacting to the weight of her words, the sunlight momentarily died in the room as a cloud passed before streaming in again to bathe the room in its warmth. "I don't question Dumbledore's wisdom or his decisions, I just wish it could have been done at a better time. It's not fair to do this to a child."

Tonks cleared away the rest of the dishes while Molly set about getting the table reset for tea, Remus sitting leaning on his hands, lost in thought. He rose a minute later and ran his hands through his hair before ushering Tonks gently back to her seat. "That's enough for you, my dear. You're body's doing more healing than mine, let an old man do it." After a quick "Scourgify" to the dishes in the sink, he set about putting away what was left of the food.

"I know it's not fair, Molly. No one will argue about that. But we all know, especially now, that things just aren't going to be getting any easier any time soon." He paused and leaned heavily against the sink, gazing out the window. "I think Dumbledore finally accepted that there wasn't going to _be_ a better time and thought it best that Harry know, rather than not know. Perhaps we all need to accept it." He walked back to his seat as he heard the tea being poured. "You've seen how he's been this last year, Molly, so morose and suspicious about everyone keeping things from him. He can't stand being locked up and kept in the dark any more than Sirius could…" All three took a long, nervous sip of tea as the words settled thickly in the air. Molly couldn't help but notice that Remus looked very tired again. "All I'm saying is that right now Harry needs to feel safe and loved, and if that includes him being included and treated as the adult he is rapidly becoming, as I believe it does, then maybe his knowing will help him get through all this." Silence. He gave a half-hearted chuckle and looked at them both sadly. "Or at the very least, perhaps it will keep him from being so reckless in the next couple years."

"Somehow I doubt it," said Molly and Tonks in unison. The women shared a curious look before all three of them chuckled and sipped their tea.

* * *

As usual Molly wouldn't hear of either of them helping to clean up the rest of the mess from lunch and would only let them leave the room after exacting a promise from each of them that they would go take a nap.

"You are the consummate mother and caretaker Molly," Remus said as he kissed her cheek and gave her a grateful hug.

"Have to be with a family like mine," she replied affectionately as she returned the hug and winked at him. "Now off with you unless you want me to tuck you in."

He laughed. "I promised I'd go sleep a bit, and I will. I just have something I need to take care of first." She cocked her head curiously in a way that reminded him powerfully of Sirius, which made him smile. "I've decided to take up journal writing again."

"Ah," she said as she smiled back. "I saw that lovely book on your bed this morning and wondered if it was yours."

Remus looked a bit distant as he nodded slowly. "I found it under my pillow last night. Sirius left it for me."

She managed to hide her surprise well, not wanting to pry, especially when she knew he was so vulnerable. "Well then," she said comfortingly, "there's usually some good light in the library this time of day, and very few paintings to bother you if you like."

He met her eyes again in silent thankfulness and smiled. "Sounds like a good plan. Thanks for everything Molly."

"Anytime, dear," she replied fondly before turning her attention to reorganizing the kitchen.

He walked through the doorway and made his way upstairs, stopping briefly to peek in on Tonks and make sure she was ok. True to form, she was sprawled gracelessly on her bed already snoring softly in a full-blown, overstuffed food coma. He closed her door again slowly and padded silently to his own room, retrieving the journal and his favorite quill from the writing desk near the window. He reached for his bottle of black ink but his hand stopped before it could grab it. _Sirius used gold ink… I wonder if it's still here somewhere?_ He began pawing carefully through each of the desk's drawers before he finally came upon what he was looking for. It had been stuffed in the deepest corner of the bottom drawer. He turned the bottle in his hand, admiring its unusual shape. It was like a pyramid with rounded edges, the pinnacle tapering gracefully into the typical corked top. As well, unlike most inkbottles that were made of rather thick protective glass, the glass in this particular bottle was thin and clear enough that he could even see the slow, smoke-like swirls dancing within the brilliant ink. He knew it was perfect.

Not five minutes later he was settled comfortably at a small table near one of the windows of the library. He opened the book almost with reverence and once again drank in the words of his beloved before turning to the next blank page. Smoothing the pages out carefully, he let his mind open and wander as he always did when starting a new journal. But it had been a long time and this was definitely a different circumstance than he was used to. After just sitting for several minutes tapping his quill on the page rather anxiously, he decided to just let go of the frustration and just ramble and see where his thoughts took him.

_July 20_

_ Dear heart,_

_ First off, I love you, though beyond that I have no idea where to begin. It doesn't seem possible that it was less than twenty-four hours ago that you were standing beside me, laughing at Tonks' impression of Snape. You should see her now, love. She's changed her hair and eyes in honor of you, and as I told her, I don't think she's ever looked more beautiful. I'm not sure she fully believed me though. _

_ There's so much happening all around us now, like the restless quiet before a storm. You'll be happy to know that everyone for the most part is fine, though it was a desperate close call for our Harry. Thank the gods for Dumbledore. After you fell, Harry went chasing after Bellatrix like a mad man and Dumbledore ended up narrowly saving him from both her and Voldemort, who unbelievably showed up at the Ministry in person. Luckily however, Fudge and his cronies witnessed him escaping with Bellatrix and so have to believe now that Dumbledore's been telling the truth for the last year. So at least in all of this yours, his, and Harry's name cannot be slandered any further. But that is a very small comfort. _

_ I haven't seen Harry yet but I can imagine how he is. Though blessedly the prophecy eluded Voldemort's grasp, Dumbledore has finally decided that Harry be told the truth about everything, including the prophecy itself. I promise you my love, I will do everything in my power to watch over him in your stead, though I know I could never take your place and would never seek to. But honestly I'm at a complete loss. I don't know how to take care of myself right now, let alone anyone else. And besides that, I have no legal right to be his guardian so I am left with being merely one of his protectors. Forgive me, that sounded more bitter than I had intended, I'm just extremely torn about my place and responsibility in all this. I hate the fact that in a week's time he'll be back with those abhorrent Muggles instead of with us, here, where he belongs and can be looked after and loved as he deserves. I'm going to have to talk to Dumbledore about it, there –must- be something that can be done. I don't know, love. I feel utterly lost without you. _

_ Forgive me, beloved, I nearly forgot to say thank you for this present. I absolutely love it, and am desperately thankful that you left it for me when you did. Perhaps you instinctively knew that we would soon be bearing this new separation when you placed it. Even now I can feel it comforting me because I have it as a reminder of you and your love. I already don't know what I would do without it. I will cherish it, and you, always. For now, however, I should probably go take some rest before Molly comes in and skins my hide. I know the two of you didn't always see eye to eye, but rest assured that she is taking care of me, and of all of us, extremely well. The Order is so incredibly lucky to have her. _

_ Farewell for now, my dearest love. Farewell, but never goodbye. _

_ Your loving soul,_

_ Remus_

The sun had traveled a good bit in the sky by the time he finished. He blew cool air softly over the last page watching the ink sparkle as it dried in the sunlight and cleaned off his quill before securing the stopper in its place. When he was sure it was dry, he closed the book gently and wound it shut, tucking it under his arm as he rose and walked quietly to the staircase, hoping he wouldn't attract Molly's attention. He chuckled a bit as he pictured what he must look like tiptoeing up the stairs like a guilty student traipsing around Hogwarts after hours. Gripping the book more tightly to him, he managed to make it back to his room without incident. _Once a Marauder…_, he thought with a grin as he closed the door silently behind him.

Though he didn't think he was tired enough to sleep he knew Molly would know if he didn't at least try, so he tucked the journal back into its place under his pillow and stretched out comfortably on the bed, closing his eyes and feeling slightly more at ease than he had since he had come home. The journal was definitely helping. It wasn't long however, before thoughts and memories of four young Marauder's and their adventures around their old stomping grounds morphed into the world of dreams.

* * *

Big thank you to:

Angelican: my only love, and the inspiration for much of my writing here. I know you recognize much of the things I have included in these chapters. Thank you for always supporting me. I love you.

Athena: for your kind words of encouragement and for still being sweet after receiving three emails from me in one afternoon. ;)

Calebalqua: hope I spelled that right, sweetheart. You rock, thanks for sharing my story with me and for forever being the incredible friend you are.


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